Update

Hello!....no one

It's been almost 4 months since I posted the latest brain waste of an article. It seems to me that every time I post something on this blog, it is less about keeping friends updated on my current state of mind, and more about me feeling guilty for something that no one probably cares about in the first place. Which is fine, you know. There's nothing really to check on anyway, so what are you (the lost, confused reader) missing out on? Mmhmm...not a whole lot. But I digress...

Today is December 27, 2009 and I am sitting in the basement on my parent's futon in a royal blue Snuggie. It sounds like that would be a very comfortable position to find myself in, and it's true I am quite satisfied with this level of comfort. These past several weeks at school have been brutal. Classes from 5 am to 1 pm every day for 3 and a half weeks has shredded my sleeping schedule and internal clock. The previous three months included more convenient class times but much more difficult class content. In other words, the past four months at Full Sail have been the most difficult and demanding months of my education there so far. So...why is it that I feel much more optimistic and equipped after such a grueling set of classes? It makes perfect sense, really. I feel a little like...like we Full Sail students have been given our first glimpse of how demanding industry life can potentially be. It feels sort of like these classes are an anvil, and we have felt the first few hammer blows. I think for some people, these difficult times break them down entirely (which is not necessarily a bad thing). For those simply dabbling in CG work, these classes will show them they are in far over their head. But for other people, the difficult times make them stand taller, stronger, shine brighter and more confident. After all, if you can weather the most violent part of the storm, you can certainly survive the easier parts. I feel a little like the past four months are a kind of gateway. A threshold on the doorstep to the end of the Full Sail education, if you will. The picture playing in my head, (oddly enough) is from the trailer for "Return of the King" where the Nazgul Black Riders nose dive on the city of Minas Tirith and Hugo Weaving's voice rings clear saying "The end has come." It is here that myself and my fellow students find out what we are really made of, as artists and entertainers. I don't expect things to get easier. Far from it, as a matter of fact. Even after making it through the whole program, I expect the industry will be far less forgiving when it comes to mistakes and learning to adapt. Because, as difficult and demanding as school is, it is our "safe zone." It's okay to make mistakes in school, because we have teachers to guide us to the right way. In the industry, I'm assuming we're expected to already know the right way. And to be quick about it.

I just listened to the Glee cast cover of "Don't Stop Believing," and it is fantastic. I've never been much of a Journey fan, but that song seems to embody the very essence of the phrase "power ballad." Outstanding. If you haven't heard it (shame on you!) go and listen to it now. If you're into it, check out some of their other covers. They did a Queen song that was quite respectable also.

Thanks to my 24-hour layover in Wilmington, NC, I have rediscovered an appreciation for C.S. Lewis' writings. Mere Christianity is a fantastic read, whether you believe it or not. Lewis is an astounding thinker and presents his complicated concepts through the most crystal clear metaphors you can imagine. It has helped to reaffirm my faith and has worked in a way to refresh my spiritual health.

Also, Lost is my favorite drama/adventure/science fiction show ever. However, the episodes are most enjoyed when watched back to back. Waiting week to week for a new episode is a grueling experience, often resulting in me losing interest and forgetting vitally important story elements. But, if you haven't seen the show I urge you to get ahold of the dvds and make an afternoon of it. It's not for everyone, I've found out, but almost everyone.

Well, friend, I'm glad if you've made it this far into my brain waste and I appreciate your never ending patience with my ramblings. I apologize for the disorientation you are doubtless experiencing thanks to my jumping from topic to topic, but...I'm not sorry enough to go back and make it more cohesive. Good day, and God speed.

The Origins of American Culture

A thought just struck me today as I meandered my way across the ESPN homepage.

American culture is awfully similar in several ways to Ancient Grecian culture.

Think about it: how much pressure is put onto children at a young age to never settle for less than excellence? Or to never, ever, ever quit no matter how difficult the circumstances, nor the invincibility of your enemy or nor the impossibility of your situation? The primary arenas of competition that spring to mind are academics and athletics, but as an American matures and grows, the same can be said for nearly any area of life (but remain especially applicable to athletics, in particular).

I was reading a blog on...hmm, what was it...either ESPN or Sports Illustrated....no it was the New York Times. Some person at the Times wrote a blog about how the spread offense style of play in college football will never transition fully to the NFL because of one major reason: the spread offense leaves the quarterback particularly open to defensive attack. In the NFL, quarterbacks are arguably the most influential position on the team, as one person is nearly entirely responsible for driving the offense. In the NFL, quarterbacks are often the highest paid position as well. I'm talking tens of millions of dollars for one man, the right man, to lead that offense. And the spread offensive structure of college football leaves that multi-million dollar investment too open to danger for NFL teams to widely accept.

That's all very interesting, isn't it? Of course, the odds are that if you have a pair of ovaries somewhere inside your person, I lost you at "ESPN." But then again, the likelihood that anyone in possession of a pair of ovaries has come within 100 miles of this blog is remote at best, so I'll keep on going like you (my testicle-brandishing reader) are still interested in what I have to say.

The notion of paying one man upwards of $15 million dollars a season because of his ability to help a sports team win games (games that, in the grand scheme of life, mean less than the earth they are played upon) very loudly proclaims a few things about our culture:

1) Americans have a fascination with competition. We love watching two equally skilled, equally talented forces battle to see who will win. We love it so much, that we schedule our lives around watching these events. Some people love it so much, that they devote their lives to understanding it and participating in it. Some people will travel hundreds of miles, dress themselves up in elaborate colorful costumes and spend thousands of dollars to show support for their chosen competitor. Do you know who also had a fascination with competition? The ancient Greeks. They loved it so much that they created a series of competitions, games if you will, to showcase their physical and mental abilities. The biggest difference between the ancient olympic games and the modern games is that the athletes no longer compete in the nude (thankfully).

2) Americans have a fascination with being the best. The notion of settling, of compromising, of being content with less than the best (not your best, THE best) almost makes you feel like a coward or a traitor. And it's not just for love of the game (whatever the game may be) that people compete; you compete to win - to be better than anyone else; to be the focus of attention and to receive the glory due to the victor. Which person/team feels the worst after a competition? The one who came in second place. The one who had the "best" within their reach but lost it when it mattered most. The desire to claim the "best" is what drives people to compete in the game day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year.

American culture can trace its roots back to Ancient Greece in other ways too. Our form of government, while not a true democracy, prides itself on the foundations of democracy - the political system of ancient Athens. Ancient Athenians are also credited with birthing the modern notion of scientific thought. Athenians were the first to attempt to understand and explain the world as it naturally is. Athenians first delved into the ocean of philosophical understanding, of logic and sound thinking. All these qualities (while still premature and incorrect in some regards) are qualities highly valued and rigorously taught in American education systems.

American attitudes toward the military can, in some ways, find its roots in ancient Sparta. Soldiers were trained nearly all their lives for service in the Spartan army. The Spartan military was known for the high quality of each individual soldier, and much thought and care was invested in battle strategy. If ancient Greeks cared enough about athletic competition, where nothing but pride was at stake, how much more do you think military superiority was a concern, where lives, families, culture, land, food, and shelter were at stake? Again, we see how the importance of military might in America echoes the sentiments of Sparta.

One other very important aspect of Spartan society that is mirrored in American society is the social, economic and political equality of women. Women of Sparta could own land, participate in government activities and were considered on equal social standing with Spartan men. Women in America have (very loudly and sometimes obnoxiously I might add) succeeded in obtaining the same equality in society that Spartan women enjoyed in their time.

But what does all this mean? Surely I'm working towards a point after all this rambling.

You might think so. But like I said at the start of things, this was just a thought that crossed my mind while browsing the pages of ESPN.com.

Stream of Consciousness

Time seems to whisk by at an exponentially increasing rate doesn't it? Especially as one grows older, it feels like time slips away and there's no way to slow it down or get a grip on it. I'm not even very "old" speaking subjectively.

I don't suppose there is a point to this entry. I have just finished making the digital "rounds" (catching up on my close friends' latest personal blog entries) and feel the need to record a few sentences myself.

Life continues on for me, much as it has these past 7 months. I don't mean to make it seem like my experiences are dull or without excitement, though. Quite the opposite, in fact. Life barrels onward at a breakneck pace for me, and I sometimes wonder if I'll reach a breaking point before the end. It is often difficult to catch my proverbial breath in such a fast paced community, even when there are no classes to attend. Full Sail burdens its students with so much work, that even days "off" must be spent working on assignments, just to stay on pace. It is surreal, which may or may not be the right word I'm looking for, to go to bed every night asking myself, "What can I do to make my work better?" and to wake up the next morning thinking the same thing. It is not uncommon for me to finish my work on any given day only because it's time to sleep, then to awaken and continue where I left off the night before. In all honesty, I don't mean to complain about my workload because in most cases the extra pressure to excel comes from my own high standards. I won't settle unless my work is excellent, which means I must work very hard to make it excellent. Unlike other, more gifted artists, I don't exude beautiful art. I have to work extraordinarily hard to make my work appealing.

-pause-

I find my mind changes gears rapidly. I 'd rather start a new line of thought than continue on in the previous one.

My brother and I partook of communion this evening at church. I still have the plastic cup that held the grape juice in my pocket, where it has rested since church was dismissed. It was an odd service, I felt. The pastor used a visual aid to help communicate his sermon, an oversized, 6-foot tall Bible, with large paintings on several pages depicting a few select Bible stories from the old testament (David and Goliath, Moses parting the seas, Abraham sacrificing Isaac). I kept thinking, "I wonder how much it cost to have this oversized Bible prop made for the service," and "I wonder if they took into consideration the fact that this prop will probably never be used again," and finally, "I wonder if the congregation realizes that this is what their tithes are being used for - purchasing oversized visual aids that in all likelihood will be put into storage for several years before being tossed out with other oversized props that also haven't been used in years."

I never feel like I conclude my blogs with much grace or style. Most often, I simply stop writing and click "Publish Post" and let that be the end of it. In fact, I see no reason to stop that practice now.

By the way, I highly recommend the HBO miniseries "John Adams." Excellent stuff, it is.

Personal Project: Animation

A personal project in Toon Boom Studio 4. Been working on this for about a week in spare time; it took a total of about 6 or 7 hours of work. We didn't cover quadruped animation in any capacity in our 2D animation class, so I thought it would be prudent to tackle it on my own. I'm pretty happy with the final result, even though the timing could be better and some of the keys are a little wonky. But there's always room for improvement and if something sticks out to you (good or bad) please feel free to point it out.

Reminiscing, or the Difference Between my Liberty Experience and my Full Sail Experience

Well, friends, it's been a heck of a week. Two of my closest friends came to visit me in sunny Orlando and it was a week worthy of remembrance. We visited Cocoa beach not once, not twice, but three times and despite the inexplicable dearth of blue crab it was still an experience I will not forget. We purchased wonderful little frisbee disc thing for frivolities on the beach and lost the dang thing no less than 4 times before the ocean claimed it permanently. I watched Danny Latin beat inFAMOUS in it's entirety in less than 7 days for the supremely evil ending, grilled bratwurst and pineapple under a beautiful Florida sunset and logged an unprecedented 7 games of volleyball this week. Needless to say, I am exhausted but I would certainly do it again in a minute.

I suppose the point I'm getting around to is that I'm not sure how to wrap it up; but I do feel there needs to be a definite period, if you will, to close the sentence of this past week, especially because this week felt much like a vacation week for me, even though it was a work week just the same. Also, I noticed this week how different my life is when I'm around my close friends and when I'm on my own. For example, I eat till I'm full a lot more when I'm around close friends; I spend a lot more money, I play video games much more than usual, and I spent far less time on extracurricular school-related work when I'm around friends; I feel like the separation needs to be maintained and the only way for me to transition back to my "Full Sail" mindset is to put a definite close to the week.

I figured out earlier this week just how much my life and attitude have changed since my time at Liberty. At LU, academics was the background music for my real reason for being in college - fun with my friends (especially after I found my circle of like-minded individuals). I wanted to do well enough in school to get decent grades and graduate without having to repeat classes, but it was vitally important that academics never get in the way of a pleasant social experience. Given the choice of studying for a quiz or finishing up a set list in Guitar Hero 2, I would inevitably finish up the set list (and two or three more, in all likelihood). For me, the time spent on furthering education was strictly limited to the moment the professor spoke to the moment he dismissed the class. All time outside the classroom was designated for having fun; time meant for baseball games, pick-up basketball games, intramural volleyball, Guitar Hero, instant messaging, Xenosaga, trips to EB Games, Best Buy, Barnes & Noble, the dollar theater, etc. Of course, if there was a female in my life at any particular time, any and all other matters become secondary (including school work and all other friend-related activities). And you know what? After my Liberty experience was over and I didn't have my friends with me all the time any more, I was smashed in the face with the reality that I was a clueless mess.

I do wish to make it crystal clear that I believe I am where I am because of the decisions that I made and that I would not know the lessons I know now were it not for the decisions I made back then. I do not in any way regret my LU experiences, but I do wish I had learned lessons about how important education is before I wasted 4 years worth of money and time. But, on the other hand, because I was so much more focused on having close friends I have developed friendships that will no doubt last a lifetime. Before LU, I think it safe to assume I had no real friends beyond a few casual friends and simple acquaintances and also that I'll probably never again develop friendships closer than the ones I have with my college buddies from LU. I have had some of the most incredible times with them; times that I treasure dearly. Even now, with my drastically different attitude towards friends and work, I still love having a great time with these guys.

But great memories don't pay bills. Wonderful experiences don't mean much in the face of unemployment and debt.

I sometimes wonder how my life might have played out differently had I known back then what I know now, in terms of the importance of doing well in school and being determined to get a good job. The conclusion I come to is that I probably never would have gone to Liberty in the first place. It's not the best school to go to for any profession except pastoral leadership (and I've never wanted to be a pastor). But, if I'd never gone to Liberty I'd not have the friends I have now, so I'm glad I did go there. But I also wonder how happy I'd be in life if say I had stayed at Liberty and truly applied myself in school while maintaining close friendships. The unfortunate truth about life is that eventually friends do part ways (even the closest of friends) and you're left to progress on your own for a time. I know that even if I had graduated Summa Cum Laude from LU and had job opportunities springing out of the ground for my services, I don't think I'd be happy. I never felt much passion for any profession before I came to Full Sail and submerged myself in the entertainment industry.

Now, life is a little different. The tables have swung a full 180 degrees and my focus is squarely on academic excellence. I've made some new friends and we've had some good times, but for me, those good times never ever come at the expense of maintaining top-notch academics. I feel like I already have the closest friends I'll ever need and now my attention is freed to focus on career. I don't mean to suggest I'm against making friends, but I do mean that if a choice comes down to having fun or getting work done, I'll finish my work.

I feel like there are two distinct kinds of people in regards to career. There is the kind of person for whom the career they pursue is of little importance. These people work only as a means to fund their social/family life. It does not matter to them where they work or what sort of job it is, provided they can be around the people they love. Then there is the second kind of person for whom the career they pursue is of utmost importance. These people have found a profession they love, and it doesn't matter to them where they work or who they are around, provided they can do the work they love to do.

After the realization that even the closest friends cannot be with you forever but you'll always have to work, I feel that it is wisest to find a profession that you love and pursue it. I certainly don't expect everyone else to reach the same conclusion that I do, but for me, this outcome satisfies the most number of concerns. Especially when you consider how much easier it is to maintain long-distance friendships these days, thanks to social networking sites and cellular telephones, I feel that finding a career that you are passionate about is paramount. FIN.

My Greatest Fear

I write this blog on July 12, 2009 nearing the anniversary of my last break-up (which occurred on July 25, 2008). The day was of monumental significance in my life, not just because it was the end of a romantic relationship, but because it set the tone and direction for the next 6 months of my life. The past year has been the most difficult year I've ever experienced, what with finishing school (and starting school again), sitting on my rear end at home for a month and a half, eventually finding work scanning old worthless documents at my mother's office, discovering I had no passion for my original choice in profession, leaving all my friends behind, and eventually culminating in the abandonment of what I thought would be my career for the rest of my life; all on top of having to deal with the end of what was probably the healthiest romantic relationship of my life.

Looking back on this murky chapter of life, I wonder still about many things that happened then. I wonder if I could/should have done things differently. I studied music for 3 and a half years at Liberty University and spent two summers in San Antonio, Texas working as an intern at a megachurch of 20,000 members. I thought I loved leading people in singing, and in fact that act alone was true enough. I did love the emotional high, the rush if you will, of leading people in song. I loved the stage, loved the lights and loved the theatricality of it all. Even when the lights and stage weren't there and it was under a bridge in downtown San Antonio, leading worship for homeless people or at the jail in Bexar county, I thought I had found what I was meant to do. Why, then, after returning home from my second internship there did I find myself without a job leading worship anywhere? Why, after months of inquiring at churches across the country, I still had nothing to show for it? I think the reasons are two in number.

One - being a worship leader is far more than leading people in song. A worship leader leads people in singing 3-4 times per week (at most) usually for about 20 minutes per service, which adds up to a total of 60-80 minutes of time spent on stage. What does the worship leader do the rest of the work week? Administrative duties, hospital visits, staff meetings, library maintenance, planning for choir rehearsals, having choir rehearsals, planning/having orchestra and band rehearsals. Of course, choir, band and orchestra are all volunteers who work day jobs, so all rehearsals must happen after normal business hours. The last two sentences are filled with things that I hate doing. Not just things that I don't like doing (because you find those things no matter where you work), but things I hate doing. I'm not a people person; I'm not a very compassionate or empathetic person. If someone has a problem in their life, I often don't make it a point to help them with it unless they ask me (especially if the person isn't a close friend) or unless in directly affects me in some way. I don't know if that's a wrong attitude to have in general (it certainly doesn't help me make many close friends, I know) but it certainly isn't the kind of attitude you find in a worship leader. See, the thing that I never realized about being a worship leader is that the average worship leader spends way more time submerged in pastoral responsibilities than anything else. Worship leaders are counselors, they're administrators, they're visionaries, they're...I don't know...touchy-feely for lack of a better term. In fact, leading music is such a minimal part of being a worship leader, that it shocked me when I finally realized it. And it opened my eyes about how unsuitable I am for that career path.

Two - passion. I found that after graduating, getting a job is unbelievably difficult. Not just getting a job in your career of choice, no no no. Finding work at all is incredibly difficult. It's a process that requires weeks, perhaps months of dedication, opportunity, networking, determination, persistence and (most frustrating of all) luck. After discovering how much work it is to find a job, I found that I only would want to go through that kind of disappointment, rejection and failure if it's for a career that I'm passionate about - a career where I have a vision, a goal for where I want to be; a career where I love the job itself and not necessarily the location or people around me. After months of searching and coming up empty, I found that leading worship is not a career I'm passionate about. I never had a vision about where I wanted to take a church in regards to worship. Worship leading, for me, wasn't a career ladder to climb, it was a comfortable little hole that I wanted to sit down in and never have to worry about anything again. In my head, there were only two possibilities I was comfortable with: a full-time job at the church in San Antonio (benefits and all), or a full-time worship leading job in the Roanoke/Lynchburg/Bedford area. I was equally comfortable with either scenario, but any other option that took me away from family and friends into an unfamiliar territory to do a job that I wasn't passionate about in the first place was out of the question. When I came to the realization that San Antonio wasn't going to meet my (admittedly unrealistic) expectations and that there weren't any worship leading jobs that met my desires in Roanoke/Lynchburg/Bedford...my world shattered.

Here I was, worthless (for several reasons) diploma in hand, without work, without romance, without direction, without passion, sleeping in my parents basement on a couch too small for me, getting up at 6:30 to work at a job I hated and no idea what I was going to do about any of it. It was by far the most difficult position I've ever found myself in, because no one was going to do anything to help me. Even though I tried to appreciate the work I had, I knew that my mother's company would be letting me go in six months time anyway (they had to, or else they would have had to start paying benefits for me which was absolutely out of the question for them). I learned a lot about myself during this very difficult time of life: how I am a person who needs direction and structure, the importance of keeping myself motivated, the importance of setting goals (especially when the structure of school no longer supported my life), and also the importance of networking. I learned that having a romantic relationship does absolutely nothing for me except give me things to do and a person to draw attention away from the real necessities of life. Relationships won't pay bills, won't find you work, won't put food in your belly or a roof over your head. Moreover, I find that when I meet a girl I'm interested in dating, my normal behavior goes out the window. I start acting strangely, different from the person I am around my usual group of friends. I find that I'm a pretty easy person to manipulate in the context of a romantic relationship because I like people to be happy with me. All a girl has to do is push me with her pinkie finger and I'll follow her every command. And I think that's foolish and unhealthy for me. Besides, the way I see it now, romantic relationships are like a car spinning its wheels or a dog chasing its tail. It never stops moving, the wheels are constantly turning but progress is never really made. There's no real goal, no destination when it comes to romance, except to be with one another - a goal easily achieved. Relationships cost an incalculable amount of money (not even considering children in the picture) and for what? Emotional stability? I consider myself more emotionally stable and of a sound mind now, as a single man, than I ever was when I was in any romantic relationship. But I'm getting sidetracked.

I graduate Full Sail University in September 2010. Having been through such a personally challenging, frustrating, and ultimately depressing chapter of life, my greatest fear is reaching the end of my second college degree and finding myself in the same scenario. I have certainly done my best so far to prepare for that time in life again, and I will be more equipped to handle life with an education actually worth something but still I can't help but worry that something is going to happen to ruin it. Maybe I'm not talented enough; maybe I'm not resourceful enough; maybe I'm not determined enough; maybe I'm not lucky enough...and the list goes on. I'll be entering a very competitive field upon graduation and I admit, my work isn't as good as the industry professionals yet. I spend countless hours honing my skills and perfecting my craft, but the truth is I can only do so much with the time I have in this accelerated learning environment. There is absolutely no guarantee of finding work when I finish schooling here...a thought that scares me all the more because I'll have $72,000 worth of student loan debts on my back at that point. Surely having all that debt will work to motivate me on to find a good job even more intently, but the way my mind operates, I can't help but wonder what I'll do if I can't find the work that I need to survive. Let's not forget that I was blessed with an incurable disease that requires thousands of dollars to support. That's thousands more dollars I'll need on top of living expenses and repaying my loans. I don't have concrete statistics, but I think its safe to assume that unpaid interns (a position I'd gladly take to earn experience and valuable networking) and fresh college graduates aren't really given huge salaries and benefits right out of the gate. What am I going to do if I don't have health insurance? I can't pay for diabetic supplies and regular doctor visits without it. I will literally die, that's what I'll do. And I'll be entering a super competitive industry during the worst economic environment since the Great Depression. Maybe I worry too much. Maybe I don't worry enough.

On Being a White Christian Male I: Racism

The thought struck me this morning about how there has never been a worse time in the history of existence to be a white Christian male.  Christians, it seems, are viewed as a plague upon the earth, scourge of mankind's existence and quite possibly the root of every conflict/war/time of bloodshed that has ever visited the face of the earth.  White people too, it seems, are shown practically no preferential treatment among the various races of earth, in America at least (ironically enough).  The same goes for gender.  It seems to me that women of this country in particular are anxious not just to prove they can do anything men can do, but they can do everything better than men can do.  But this blog is mostly about race, so I'll try to stick to my topic.

I am familiar with a story; would you like to hear it? I am assuming you would, since you're here and since you can't actually talk back to me, but it goes like this:  I knew a girl once who graduated high school with a grade point average above 4.0.  Not an easy accomplishment and it would be safe to assume she worked as hard as a person can to achieve that goal.  In fact, you could say there is nothing more she could have done to better her gpa.  It was, after all, higher than perfect.  I also once knew a boy who graduated high school with a 3.4 gpa.  He was a good student, realizing the importance of good grades but still finding the time to have fun and make friends at school and not just bury his face in schoolbooks.   A 3.4 gpa is certainly an accomplishment to be proud of (higher than my own gpa at the end of high school), but unless my arithmetic fails me, a 3.4 falls lower on the scale than a 4.0.  Both of these proud graduates apply to various prestigious universities, but one particularly selective school they happen to find in common.  Selective schools, we all know, only accept the most qualified applicants.  Most qualified applicants...let's review those gpa scores one more time to refresh our memories.  Girl = above 4.0; Guy = 3.4.  So, the most qualified applicant should be the girl.  But curiously enough, the girl does not receive acceptance.  Now, this fact alone is no reason to expect foul play.  Perhaps the school is already overflowing with 4.o students and there simply is no room for more.  What can a person do about that, right? Nothing.  But wait!  The young man, the 3.4 student receives acceptance to the university!  Now there seems to be something fishy about.  How could a 3.4 student win out over an above 4.0 student?  Let's step back and examine the applicants one more time.  We have our female student, hard working, exceptionally smart and...caucasian (in other words, strike 3 you're out). We have our male student, hard working (but never working too hard), acceptably smart (but not uncommonly so) and...mulatto, which is to say, one parent of caucasian descent and one parent of african descent.  Why do you think the young man (less qualified) was chosen over the young woman (more qualified)?

Just a little footnote here: ahem, Webster's online dictionary defines racism: the belief that race is the primary determinate of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

Another thing that, to me, reveals America's preferential treatment of races other than caucasian is how much bickering and belly-aching non-white races can get away with and no one says anything.  Think about it:  several months ago, the african american sports community (specifically the NCAA football community) was up in arms over the fact that there are only a handful of black coaches in division 1 football.  That fact alone says to me that these people don't care about good coaches, they don't care about results, they don't care about finding the right coach for the job, they care about the color of the man's skin (or as we'll surely get to in time, the woman's skin).  More specifically, they want to see fewer coaches with white skin and more coaches with dark skin.  Not more wins, not more football players graduating, not more prestigious recruits...more dark skin.  This, ladies and gentlemen is racism. It tells me that racism is an issue that is far from settled and in fact, has swung a full 180 degrees in the opposite direction.  Think about how many african american awareness groups, clubs, and activist organizations there are.  My God, we even have an entire month set aside to celebrate the achievements of certain men and women for no other reason other than the fact that they have black skin.   We should celebrate these people and their achievements for what they contributed to society, not because they have ancestors hailing from the african continent.  What if I created a club or an organization whose sole purpose it was to promote white people and their accomplishments?  I would be decried as a racist, a closed-minded fool and an enemy of "tolerance."  But I can't count the number of african american organizations there are whose purposes are similar in nature, and nobody can say a foul word about it.  There is even a television channel entirely devoted to Black Entertainment.  How ridiculous is it that there is an exclusively black tv channel?  I mean, the notion that there is a particular brand of entertainment that's only directed towards black people? Really?? No wonder American culture is so shallow, when there are such silly dividers among the country's citizens. What it does is make the rest of the population feel like black people have a "culture" and history all to themselves here in America and they want no one else to be in on it. It's sad, because it proves that racism is still around, only now it's directed the opposite way.

Let's look at another indication that race is still an unsettled issue in America:  The coronation of Barack Obama as the savior and king of the USA.  The celebration of his election to the office of president was certainly a more grand, lavish celebration than we usually see in newly elected presidents.  Why is this? Because he's black.  He's got dark skin, that's why.  It's not because of his credentials; it's not because of his foreign policies; it's not because of his ideas about health care reform; it's not because of his silver tongue; It's because his skin is dark.  And while we're on that, it must be said that he is just as much a white man as he is a black man.  I think it is preposterous to celebrate him as black man (exclusively) because he is every bit as caucasian as he is african.  But I think the people of America are so blinded by the fact that he is of partial African descent, that they don't even care about what he does in office.  I remember surveys being taken before election, specifically in the Harlem neighborhood of New York I believe, asking if these voters approved of Obama's choice of running mate in Sarah Palin, and of his intent to continue the war in Iraq.  These voters supported Obama 100%, proving their ignorance and apparent preference for an african american over a caucasian.  Of course, not all supporters of Obama support him just because he is black (although it certainly does help, I'm sure), but I think enough of them do to draw conclusions about America's infatuation with him.  If you look at polls conducted about Obama's conduct in office thus far, they are overwhelmingly positive.  The man has had just enough time to say some kind words, spend more money, travel the world, touch the Queen of England, and bow to a foreign power.  He's hardly even had a chance to make an impact, so how can people pass judgement on his conduct so far?  Because he's black, and a black man can do no wrong (at least, that's what I think America thinks). 

...to be continued.

A Note about my Note

I would like to point out that while I have trouble seeing myself married, I do not wish to portray marriage itself in a completely negative light.  For many men, being with that one special girl becomes their passion in life and to give up other goals becomes an easy decision.  It doesn't matter to them where they work, where they live, what else is happening in the world, what kind of opportunities present themselves...as long as he is with his girl, everything else is footnotes and he will gladly give up a better job, better pay, better anything if it gets in the way of being with her.  I respect that kind of devotion, but I do believe it is rare.  And that kind of passion is a potential set-up for incredible suffering and hardship, if the woman does not share an equal level of devotion to him.  I do believe marriage can work, but I think far too many people rush into it these days and they get bored with it after a year or two.  They realize this person they married isn't a prince or princess.  He/She acts like he/she would rather spend time with his/her friends than with me.  He/she hasn't asked me out on a date since I can't remember when.  She/he doesn't clean when I ask them too.  He/she ignores me when they get home from work.  He/she constantly bugs me after a long day at work.  These little things are worked through and sorted out if the marriage is functioning properly (which is to say, if each person is entirely devoted to the other).  The little things become monstrous problems if there is even a breath of selfish interest.  I think marriage won't work for me at this time in life because I know I couldn't give myself entirely for another person.  I don't want to give up my dreams for another person.  I want to focus on my life, my way. And I don't think there's anything in the world wrong with that. 

Marriage

I thought tonight would be an appropriate night to express a few thoughts on the subject of marriage, in part because I've thought alot about it and in part because my brother just got engaged tonight.  The knowledge that he and his fiancee (definitely weird for me to think of her like that now) have pledged to one day pledge to spend their lives together forever inevitably has me thinking about things.  How exactly did my younger brother find a bride-to-be before myself (seeing as I have had three years more than he to find a suitable woman)? Is it my fault that I am no closer to marriage than the east is to the west? Will I ever find the right woman?  If I could go back and do things over again, how would I do them differently? Would I do them differently? Needless to say, it's been interesting to ponder these things. 

Indeed I find it difficult to begin.  I suppose a rapid fire answer session could work, so here goes (in the order above) 1) Younger brothers are always found more attractive to the opposite sex.  Period. 2) It is just as much my fault that I'm not married as it is the fault of my past girlfriends. 3) There is no "right" woman. 4) You can't go back and do things differently, so there's no point in pondering the matter. 5) No. 

It worked! 

Seriously, though, the thought of my family welcoming in a daughter in law/sister in law has made me wonder how life would be like if it had worked out with past girlfriends.  I came to the conclusion that life would be quite different and I do believe I would be a good deal less content with life than I am now.  In fact, the only potential scenarios that I found potentially pleasing were ones that involved marrying my very first crush or my second crush.  I still think of both girls as astonishingly beautiful, but only my first crush has turned out to be the kind of girl any man would want to marry.   I'm not sure what it is, and maybe it's only me, but I think there's something...different about a person's first crush.  They stick with you, like a lighting bolt hidden in the back of your mind only to burst out unexpectedly one day to the forefront.  As you grow older, (or at least as I grow older) the opposite sex seems to be much less mysterious, magical and enchanting.  When I was in 5th grade, I thought this girl was an angel. She was a goddess among livestock. I counted it a blessing simply to see her smile.   But then I got older.  And all that fluff seems silly to me now.  So silly that I don't really think of any girl as being special or unique.  The magical little spark has been extinguished I think.  Except for that first girl...I still feel a little of that childhood romantic magic when I see those eyes.  Of course, she married several years ago and even if she wasn't married I wouldn't pursue it. 

Generally when I think of marriage, I think of sacrifice.  I think of how the man is "supposed" to give himself up for the woman and more or less give her anything and everything she desires (emotional, spiritual and material).  That disgusts me.  I think that is foolish and I want no part of it.  But when I think about that first girl...it doesn't bother me.  As much.  Which brought me to why I don't think marriage works.  Or rather, why it is so hard to make marriage work.

I think marriage works best when there is a complete sacrificing of self for the other person.  The man gives of himself 100% for the woman and she gives 100% of herself for him.  Of course, it is part of the marriage ceremony, among other things, that the couple make such a pledge to one another publicly.  I think the problem arises when people think that the decision needs to be made one time and one time only.  That once the ceremony is over, the decision to sacrifice yourself doesn't need to be made anymore.  Wrong.  Marriage only works when each person daily, hourly, even by the minute, makes the decision to give up their rights, desires, dreams, etc.  This system only works if both parties give totally and equally.  As soon as one person stands up for their rights, the system fails.  That's why I see married life as such a torturous thing.  It is constant denial of self.  And not a grumbling, complaining denial of self.  The willful, contented denial of self.  

The reason I find myself thinking less and less that marriage is part of my future is that I can hardly fathom another person for whom I am willing to give up everything.  My passions, my future, my goals are far more important to me at this point in time than relationship bliss.  Perhaps one day I will find a person who ignites that dormant spark, but I am not looking which makes it all the more difficult to find. The idea of not being married used to petrify me to the point of panic but now, I think more and more that unmarried life is freedom.  Freedom to pursue my dreams and goals; freedom to be my own person, to make decisions for myself.  I feel that my future is open and unhindered by not chaining myself to another person in marriage.  

But these are only ramblings.