Marriage

I thought tonight would be an appropriate night to express a few thoughts on the subject of marriage, in part because I've thought alot about it and in part because my brother just got engaged tonight.  The knowledge that he and his fiancee (definitely weird for me to think of her like that now) have pledged to one day pledge to spend their lives together forever inevitably has me thinking about things.  How exactly did my younger brother find a bride-to-be before myself (seeing as I have had three years more than he to find a suitable woman)? Is it my fault that I am no closer to marriage than the east is to the west? Will I ever find the right woman?  If I could go back and do things over again, how would I do them differently? Would I do them differently? Needless to say, it's been interesting to ponder these things. 

Indeed I find it difficult to begin.  I suppose a rapid fire answer session could work, so here goes (in the order above) 1) Younger brothers are always found more attractive to the opposite sex.  Period. 2) It is just as much my fault that I'm not married as it is the fault of my past girlfriends. 3) There is no "right" woman. 4) You can't go back and do things differently, so there's no point in pondering the matter. 5) No. 

It worked! 

Seriously, though, the thought of my family welcoming in a daughter in law/sister in law has made me wonder how life would be like if it had worked out with past girlfriends.  I came to the conclusion that life would be quite different and I do believe I would be a good deal less content with life than I am now.  In fact, the only potential scenarios that I found potentially pleasing were ones that involved marrying my very first crush or my second crush.  I still think of both girls as astonishingly beautiful, but only my first crush has turned out to be the kind of girl any man would want to marry.   I'm not sure what it is, and maybe it's only me, but I think there's something...different about a person's first crush.  They stick with you, like a lighting bolt hidden in the back of your mind only to burst out unexpectedly one day to the forefront.  As you grow older, (or at least as I grow older) the opposite sex seems to be much less mysterious, magical and enchanting.  When I was in 5th grade, I thought this girl was an angel. She was a goddess among livestock. I counted it a blessing simply to see her smile.   But then I got older.  And all that fluff seems silly to me now.  So silly that I don't really think of any girl as being special or unique.  The magical little spark has been extinguished I think.  Except for that first girl...I still feel a little of that childhood romantic magic when I see those eyes.  Of course, she married several years ago and even if she wasn't married I wouldn't pursue it. 

Generally when I think of marriage, I think of sacrifice.  I think of how the man is "supposed" to give himself up for the woman and more or less give her anything and everything she desires (emotional, spiritual and material).  That disgusts me.  I think that is foolish and I want no part of it.  But when I think about that first girl...it doesn't bother me.  As much.  Which brought me to why I don't think marriage works.  Or rather, why it is so hard to make marriage work.

I think marriage works best when there is a complete sacrificing of self for the other person.  The man gives of himself 100% for the woman and she gives 100% of herself for him.  Of course, it is part of the marriage ceremony, among other things, that the couple make such a pledge to one another publicly.  I think the problem arises when people think that the decision needs to be made one time and one time only.  That once the ceremony is over, the decision to sacrifice yourself doesn't need to be made anymore.  Wrong.  Marriage only works when each person daily, hourly, even by the minute, makes the decision to give up their rights, desires, dreams, etc.  This system only works if both parties give totally and equally.  As soon as one person stands up for their rights, the system fails.  That's why I see married life as such a torturous thing.  It is constant denial of self.  And not a grumbling, complaining denial of self.  The willful, contented denial of self.  

The reason I find myself thinking less and less that marriage is part of my future is that I can hardly fathom another person for whom I am willing to give up everything.  My passions, my future, my goals are far more important to me at this point in time than relationship bliss.  Perhaps one day I will find a person who ignites that dormant spark, but I am not looking which makes it all the more difficult to find. The idea of not being married used to petrify me to the point of panic but now, I think more and more that unmarried life is freedom.  Freedom to pursue my dreams and goals; freedom to be my own person, to make decisions for myself.  I feel that my future is open and unhindered by not chaining myself to another person in marriage.  

But these are only ramblings.