My Greatest Fear

I write this blog on July 12, 2009 nearing the anniversary of my last break-up (which occurred on July 25, 2008). The day was of monumental significance in my life, not just because it was the end of a romantic relationship, but because it set the tone and direction for the next 6 months of my life. The past year has been the most difficult year I've ever experienced, what with finishing school (and starting school again), sitting on my rear end at home for a month and a half, eventually finding work scanning old worthless documents at my mother's office, discovering I had no passion for my original choice in profession, leaving all my friends behind, and eventually culminating in the abandonment of what I thought would be my career for the rest of my life; all on top of having to deal with the end of what was probably the healthiest romantic relationship of my life.

Looking back on this murky chapter of life, I wonder still about many things that happened then. I wonder if I could/should have done things differently. I studied music for 3 and a half years at Liberty University and spent two summers in San Antonio, Texas working as an intern at a megachurch of 20,000 members. I thought I loved leading people in singing, and in fact that act alone was true enough. I did love the emotional high, the rush if you will, of leading people in song. I loved the stage, loved the lights and loved the theatricality of it all. Even when the lights and stage weren't there and it was under a bridge in downtown San Antonio, leading worship for homeless people or at the jail in Bexar county, I thought I had found what I was meant to do. Why, then, after returning home from my second internship there did I find myself without a job leading worship anywhere? Why, after months of inquiring at churches across the country, I still had nothing to show for it? I think the reasons are two in number.

One - being a worship leader is far more than leading people in song. A worship leader leads people in singing 3-4 times per week (at most) usually for about 20 minutes per service, which adds up to a total of 60-80 minutes of time spent on stage. What does the worship leader do the rest of the work week? Administrative duties, hospital visits, staff meetings, library maintenance, planning for choir rehearsals, having choir rehearsals, planning/having orchestra and band rehearsals. Of course, choir, band and orchestra are all volunteers who work day jobs, so all rehearsals must happen after normal business hours. The last two sentences are filled with things that I hate doing. Not just things that I don't like doing (because you find those things no matter where you work), but things I hate doing. I'm not a people person; I'm not a very compassionate or empathetic person. If someone has a problem in their life, I often don't make it a point to help them with it unless they ask me (especially if the person isn't a close friend) or unless in directly affects me in some way. I don't know if that's a wrong attitude to have in general (it certainly doesn't help me make many close friends, I know) but it certainly isn't the kind of attitude you find in a worship leader. See, the thing that I never realized about being a worship leader is that the average worship leader spends way more time submerged in pastoral responsibilities than anything else. Worship leaders are counselors, they're administrators, they're visionaries, they're...I don't know...touchy-feely for lack of a better term. In fact, leading music is such a minimal part of being a worship leader, that it shocked me when I finally realized it. And it opened my eyes about how unsuitable I am for that career path.

Two - passion. I found that after graduating, getting a job is unbelievably difficult. Not just getting a job in your career of choice, no no no. Finding work at all is incredibly difficult. It's a process that requires weeks, perhaps months of dedication, opportunity, networking, determination, persistence and (most frustrating of all) luck. After discovering how much work it is to find a job, I found that I only would want to go through that kind of disappointment, rejection and failure if it's for a career that I'm passionate about - a career where I have a vision, a goal for where I want to be; a career where I love the job itself and not necessarily the location or people around me. After months of searching and coming up empty, I found that leading worship is not a career I'm passionate about. I never had a vision about where I wanted to take a church in regards to worship. Worship leading, for me, wasn't a career ladder to climb, it was a comfortable little hole that I wanted to sit down in and never have to worry about anything again. In my head, there were only two possibilities I was comfortable with: a full-time job at the church in San Antonio (benefits and all), or a full-time worship leading job in the Roanoke/Lynchburg/Bedford area. I was equally comfortable with either scenario, but any other option that took me away from family and friends into an unfamiliar territory to do a job that I wasn't passionate about in the first place was out of the question. When I came to the realization that San Antonio wasn't going to meet my (admittedly unrealistic) expectations and that there weren't any worship leading jobs that met my desires in Roanoke/Lynchburg/Bedford...my world shattered.

Here I was, worthless (for several reasons) diploma in hand, without work, without romance, without direction, without passion, sleeping in my parents basement on a couch too small for me, getting up at 6:30 to work at a job I hated and no idea what I was going to do about any of it. It was by far the most difficult position I've ever found myself in, because no one was going to do anything to help me. Even though I tried to appreciate the work I had, I knew that my mother's company would be letting me go in six months time anyway (they had to, or else they would have had to start paying benefits for me which was absolutely out of the question for them). I learned a lot about myself during this very difficult time of life: how I am a person who needs direction and structure, the importance of keeping myself motivated, the importance of setting goals (especially when the structure of school no longer supported my life), and also the importance of networking. I learned that having a romantic relationship does absolutely nothing for me except give me things to do and a person to draw attention away from the real necessities of life. Relationships won't pay bills, won't find you work, won't put food in your belly or a roof over your head. Moreover, I find that when I meet a girl I'm interested in dating, my normal behavior goes out the window. I start acting strangely, different from the person I am around my usual group of friends. I find that I'm a pretty easy person to manipulate in the context of a romantic relationship because I like people to be happy with me. All a girl has to do is push me with her pinkie finger and I'll follow her every command. And I think that's foolish and unhealthy for me. Besides, the way I see it now, romantic relationships are like a car spinning its wheels or a dog chasing its tail. It never stops moving, the wheels are constantly turning but progress is never really made. There's no real goal, no destination when it comes to romance, except to be with one another - a goal easily achieved. Relationships cost an incalculable amount of money (not even considering children in the picture) and for what? Emotional stability? I consider myself more emotionally stable and of a sound mind now, as a single man, than I ever was when I was in any romantic relationship. But I'm getting sidetracked.

I graduate Full Sail University in September 2010. Having been through such a personally challenging, frustrating, and ultimately depressing chapter of life, my greatest fear is reaching the end of my second college degree and finding myself in the same scenario. I have certainly done my best so far to prepare for that time in life again, and I will be more equipped to handle life with an education actually worth something but still I can't help but worry that something is going to happen to ruin it. Maybe I'm not talented enough; maybe I'm not resourceful enough; maybe I'm not determined enough; maybe I'm not lucky enough...and the list goes on. I'll be entering a very competitive field upon graduation and I admit, my work isn't as good as the industry professionals yet. I spend countless hours honing my skills and perfecting my craft, but the truth is I can only do so much with the time I have in this accelerated learning environment. There is absolutely no guarantee of finding work when I finish schooling here...a thought that scares me all the more because I'll have $72,000 worth of student loan debts on my back at that point. Surely having all that debt will work to motivate me on to find a good job even more intently, but the way my mind operates, I can't help but wonder what I'll do if I can't find the work that I need to survive. Let's not forget that I was blessed with an incurable disease that requires thousands of dollars to support. That's thousands more dollars I'll need on top of living expenses and repaying my loans. I don't have concrete statistics, but I think its safe to assume that unpaid interns (a position I'd gladly take to earn experience and valuable networking) and fresh college graduates aren't really given huge salaries and benefits right out of the gate. What am I going to do if I don't have health insurance? I can't pay for diabetic supplies and regular doctor visits without it. I will literally die, that's what I'll do. And I'll be entering a super competitive industry during the worst economic environment since the Great Depression. Maybe I worry too much. Maybe I don't worry enough.