This is going to be difficult.

I'm graduating college for the second time in about 7 hours. I really should be overjoyed with my circumstances. I'm probably the only person in my family history to earn more than one college diploma, I'm graduating with a 3.56 gpa, I'm being honored with the Advanced Achiever award, my demo reel has been shared with some top industry professionals, I've gotten nothing but praise for my art and work ethic....I really couldn't ask for a much better situation as a new graduate from a computer animation school.

So why am I so...worried/upset/restless/pessimistic?

I don't know. I suppose it has something to do with me being the kind of person who does NOT like to dwell on the past, let alone revisit it. And in roughly 10 hours, I will be doing perhaps the most difficult thing, psychologically, for me to do - moving back home. Back to the same basement that I lived in before I decided to enroll at Full Sail. The same basement where my life basically fell apart two years ago. The same basement where I experienced failure after failure, rejection after rejection. The same basement where I decided my life's pursuits up to that point had been a waste of time (my own) and money (my parents) .

It's going to be difficult for me to go back there and keep a positive attitude. Which is critical for me to do, because nobody wants to hire an energy-syphoning pessimist. Which is exactly what I feel like I am right now...when my classmates are excited about graduating, optimistic about the future, the only post-college experience upon which I can draw is one marred with regret, failure, rejection and ultimately abandonment and destruction.

I know that rejection is something everyone has to deal with, and that how you deal with failure says volumes about your character. Which I suppose does not speak very highly of mine, unfortunately. I do not handle rejection well. On the inside, at least. It's relatively easy for me to put on a fake smile and say a dishonest word about staying positive, but on the inside I do not handle rejection well. Which is even more unfortunate considering I know that most of the jobs I apply for will culminate in rejection.

So, to review: I'm returning to the Basement of Past Failures and Regrets, knowing that I'm to expect multiple rejections, and I'm expected to be positive about this? I don't know if I can do that. I don't expect there to be a job/internship offer for me for at least a month or two...and most of the feelers I put out probably won't even elicit a response at all. If, by the time I get to about that 2 month mark, I haven't heard a word from anyone...I cannot bear to think how it will affect my psyche. I'm accustomed to success, though not without the opportunity for improvement. I'm accustomed to praise, though not without criticism. I do not believe I have found success because I'm intrinsically worthy of it, but because I work hard (and smart) to achieve it. The relatively few times I've met with real and ultimate failure, it is very very difficult for me to handle...mostly because I have invested so much in what I do, that to be rejected is not just a reflection on the work but a reflection on me. And that, right there, is a cardinal sin, as well as a paradox of magnificent proportion in the artist's world, as far as I'm concerned - how an artist is supposed to simultaneously pour their very life energy into their work, but not take it personally when that work is rejected. It seems foolish to me to suggest that an artist shouldn't take criticism, rejection or failure personally because as an artist, you cannot help but pour yourself into your creation, and for me it is difficult, perhaps impossible to completely separate the two.

But all this negativity breeds only more negativity. Pessimism gives birth only to hopelessness and despair. All these, qualities I can ill afford to harbor at this time in my life. Additionally, I have much more reason to hope for a bright future this time around, as I have detailed earlier in this entry.

And perhaps I may find a bit more comfort in the words of Mr. Jason Mraz, who wisely points out that "it takes some bad for satisfaction; it takes a night to make it dawn; it takes some cold to know the sun; it takes the one to have the other; it takes a toll to make you care, it takes a hole to see the mountain." Finding my little place and purpose in the world is going to be the sweetest experience of my life up to that point, I have no doubt. I don't know when it will happen nor where it will lead me but I can't wait to find out.