This is going to be difficult.

I'm graduating college for the second time in about 7 hours. I really should be overjoyed with my circumstances. I'm probably the only person in my family history to earn more than one college diploma, I'm graduating with a 3.56 gpa, I'm being honored with the Advanced Achiever award, my demo reel has been shared with some top industry professionals, I've gotten nothing but praise for my art and work ethic....I really couldn't ask for a much better situation as a new graduate from a computer animation school.

So why am I so...worried/upset/restless/pessimistic?

I don't know. I suppose it has something to do with me being the kind of person who does NOT like to dwell on the past, let alone revisit it. And in roughly 10 hours, I will be doing perhaps the most difficult thing, psychologically, for me to do - moving back home. Back to the same basement that I lived in before I decided to enroll at Full Sail. The same basement where my life basically fell apart two years ago. The same basement where I experienced failure after failure, rejection after rejection. The same basement where I decided my life's pursuits up to that point had been a waste of time (my own) and money (my parents) .

It's going to be difficult for me to go back there and keep a positive attitude. Which is critical for me to do, because nobody wants to hire an energy-syphoning pessimist. Which is exactly what I feel like I am right now...when my classmates are excited about graduating, optimistic about the future, the only post-college experience upon which I can draw is one marred with regret, failure, rejection and ultimately abandonment and destruction.

I know that rejection is something everyone has to deal with, and that how you deal with failure says volumes about your character. Which I suppose does not speak very highly of mine, unfortunately. I do not handle rejection well. On the inside, at least. It's relatively easy for me to put on a fake smile and say a dishonest word about staying positive, but on the inside I do not handle rejection well. Which is even more unfortunate considering I know that most of the jobs I apply for will culminate in rejection.

So, to review: I'm returning to the Basement of Past Failures and Regrets, knowing that I'm to expect multiple rejections, and I'm expected to be positive about this? I don't know if I can do that. I don't expect there to be a job/internship offer for me for at least a month or two...and most of the feelers I put out probably won't even elicit a response at all. If, by the time I get to about that 2 month mark, I haven't heard a word from anyone...I cannot bear to think how it will affect my psyche. I'm accustomed to success, though not without the opportunity for improvement. I'm accustomed to praise, though not without criticism. I do not believe I have found success because I'm intrinsically worthy of it, but because I work hard (and smart) to achieve it. The relatively few times I've met with real and ultimate failure, it is very very difficult for me to handle...mostly because I have invested so much in what I do, that to be rejected is not just a reflection on the work but a reflection on me. And that, right there, is a cardinal sin, as well as a paradox of magnificent proportion in the artist's world, as far as I'm concerned - how an artist is supposed to simultaneously pour their very life energy into their work, but not take it personally when that work is rejected. It seems foolish to me to suggest that an artist shouldn't take criticism, rejection or failure personally because as an artist, you cannot help but pour yourself into your creation, and for me it is difficult, perhaps impossible to completely separate the two.

But all this negativity breeds only more negativity. Pessimism gives birth only to hopelessness and despair. All these, qualities I can ill afford to harbor at this time in my life. Additionally, I have much more reason to hope for a bright future this time around, as I have detailed earlier in this entry.

And perhaps I may find a bit more comfort in the words of Mr. Jason Mraz, who wisely points out that "it takes some bad for satisfaction; it takes a night to make it dawn; it takes some cold to know the sun; it takes the one to have the other; it takes a toll to make you care, it takes a hole to see the mountain." Finding my little place and purpose in the world is going to be the sweetest experience of my life up to that point, I have no doubt. I don't know when it will happen nor where it will lead me but I can't wait to find out.

Time For a Real Post

A pretty cool thing happened to me a few weeks ago. The team I entered a cg contest with several months back had a chance to speak with Manny Fragelus, a name I'm sure you won't recognize but a name that means quite a lot to me and the team I was a part of. Manny is a modeling lead at Dreamworks animation in Glendale, CA. He's been there for a couple years, modeling characters and environments for Kung Fu Panda, How to Train Your Dragon and upcoming films. He came to Full Sail to hold a discussion with us lowly students about what to expect from the industry, how to improve our work and what employers like Dreamworks look for in potential employees. It was especially significant for me because Manny critiqued the work our group turned in for the cg contest. Like....he looked at the work I've done. I don't know why I feel like that is such a huge deal to me, but it is. I feel like...to draw a comparison, if I were a quarterback in college football it would be like having Aaron Rogers give me pointers specifically catered to my performance.

Anyway, he didn't spend a whole lot of time speaking to us, the team, but what he did say kind of messed with my head a little bit. He didn't have anything really negative to say about our execution, just with our concept. That messes with my mind. The way I look at things, concept is maybe 10% of the overall workflow. Execution is 90% of the overall workflow. So in my mind, if the concept isn't really outstanding but the execution is flawless, that's a success. Manny has different ideas. He suggests, in essence, that the concept is more like a foundation. You have to start with the foundation and it must be sound, or everything you build on top of it will come crumbling down. What Manny saw in our work was good execution, but the concept was bland. I can agree with him about that, specifically in reference to our group project. But for Manny, a bland concept equals a failed project overall. It doesn't matter how good our modeling, our texturing, our rigging, our effects, our rendering, our compositing, our audio is...if the original concept isn't unique, it's all worthless. I'm not sure I agree with him, but I do believe that's the attitude of a professional. That's the attitude of a person who has long since mastered the whole execution process, and for whom execution is an almost machine-like process. I think, for professionals, modeling, texturing, animating, rigging, every major step of the computer animation process is like a stop on an assembly line. For professionals, people in one section of the assembly line are interchangeable; so, in essence, the real creativity and unique-ness is found only in the conceptualization part of the process. And when I really think about it, I agree that concepts are what make artists unique. The means of expression (be it in oils, pixels, words, melodies, whatever) is not as important as the message itself. Anyone can pick up a guitar and learn to play it, but no one can coax sound from one the way Hendrix could. Anyone can smear paint across a canvas, but there will always only be one Picasso. The more I think about it, the more I see how Manny is right in what he says about concept being king, but this realization is a daunting one when I truly let it sink in. Ours is a world over saturated with artists. Well...I should say, our culture is saturated with people who want to be artists. But my point is that being unique in world where everyone is trying to be unique is almost an impossible task. Even now, as I try to comprehend that, the best I think I can come up with is just to be exceptional. I've never been one to try and reinvent the wheel. I'm more a person who wants to know how the system works, and I'll find a way to fit into what's already there. But in the professional artist's world, the people who find new ways of doing things are the most valuable.

I do try to remind myself that the kinds of lessons that Manny has learned are lessons that have taken years to understand. He's been a professional for years, developing his skills years ago and perfecting them among the most talented artists in show business. Me and my fellow students are still learning our fundamentals, so it should only be expected that we have lots of room to grow. But on the other hand, is the conceiving of new, unique ideas something anyone can learn? Or is it something that simply exists inside those people destined to be true artists and forces its way out of the artist regardless of formal training or preparation? Should the fact that I'm a student have any impact at all on my ability to come up with new ideas? My knee jerk reaction is to say, "Of course not. Unique ideas can come from anyone at anytime." So if that's true, and if unique ideas are not something I find pouring from my consciousness...does that mean I'm basically screwed? If I don't have that ability know, I'll never have it." Not necessarily. In the computer animation industry, one rarely finds him or herself working on their own concepts anyway.

Anyway, the five or so minutes he took to impart some wisdom had something of a profound impact on my thinking about the CG industry. It certainly has given me some new perspective on personal projects - the primary way I'll be getting my name out there to the industry at large as a new graduate. Very interesting stuff, to me at least.

Sci-Fi Character Model

Upon wracking my brain for ways I can update my blog more often, I concluded that it might be interesting to put up some of my work-in-progress screenshots. I've been modeling a futuristic sort of science-fiction character over the past few weeks and here's how far I've gotten so far. It's taken much much longer than I anticipated at first, partly because I've never modeled armor before, partly because of pesky classes, and partly because the technique I'm using is a time-consuming process. But I like the results, and I'm anxious to finish up. I'm waiting to do the face, hair, hand details till after I finish the armor, only because I feel like I've sculpted a lot of heads lately and I'd like to model an entire character. Anywho, feast your eyes on these screenshots:

I Don't Know What To Call This

I have descended into a pit of potential disaster, in more ways than one it seems.

How's that for an opener? It has a little bit of a hook to it, I think. More than a little vague...although far too generic and cliche I think as well. I can imagine you, the reader, breathing a sigh and thinking "Oh boy. Another melancholy entry about how difficult and unforgiving he thinks his life is when it's really quite a blessed and fortunate life."

Rest easy, this is a lighthearted entry and I am merely being sarcastic.

I recently found myself in possession of a copy of Modern Warfare 2 as well as a one month free subscription to Xbox Live gold. I figured...what the heck? Why not give it a try? It doesn't cost me anything more than what I've already spent on the game itself and the time to become acclimated to the competitive online community.

I've always, always, always been staunchly opposed to online video games in general (with the brief exceptions of Guild Wars and Phantasy Star Online); especially online competitive multiplayer. There are seriously some freaks out there when it comes to being obsessed with these games. Halo 2 comes to mind first when I think of these weirdos; These kids will play whatever game they're hooked on for hours and hours and hours and then, when I hop online for a quick game, I get completely flattened by some korean 12 year old video game prodigy swearing up and down about how lame everyone else in the game is. That's not fun for me. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's competition. I never really feel that competitive fire burn in me against anyone other than my brother, especially when I get my rear end handed to me. When I get beaten that badly in a game, I don't usually get mad. I don't often feel an overwhelming desire to beat this pipsqueak at his own game or rub his face in poo. I think, "This kid has no life and if he wants to be the king of this little virtual world, entirely insignificant in the real world, take it away man. I'm outta here." I'll check out and never play it again. For whatever reason, I've never found that hook in an online multiplayer game that makes me want to come back and kick that cocky kid's haunches.

So why do I keep coming back to Modern Warfare 2?

Well for starters, it's got a leveling system which is reminiscent of an RPG, something I am fond of. It's also ripe with unlockable content to discover as you level up and brimming with "Challenges" for each weapon - goals to accomplish with specific weapons for which you will be rewarded further. Plus (and this is probably the deal sealer for me) just because you play with players who are much more prestigious than yourself doesn't mean you're guaranteed an embarrassing defeat. Yeah, you'll probably lose, but it most often comes down to the choices you make before the combat starts. Which gun are you going to use? Throwing knife or grenade? Silencer or rocket launcher?

Anyway, that's how I feel. Maybe this game just happens to sing a tune pleasing to my ears, when others have been nothing but hollow noise. Maybe I've just been ignorant all these years - a stubborn ostrich with my head buried in the sand. Maybe these features have become standard and I'm just now discovering them. In any case, I think it's fun and I'll continue to play it while my free month's subscription plays out.

I don't know if anyone reading this is aware in the first place, but I entered a CG contest with a team of artists including my brother last month. We considered ourselves to be heavy favorites (we were biased though, of course) but we found out this past week that we did not win. We did not even place in the contest, frustratingly enough. Out of 3 teams that actually finished, we did not even garner a mention, honorable or dishonorable. What's perhaps even more infuriating for us, is that there was to be a runner up prize initially, however the powers that be decided to eliminate that prize due to "lack of entries, talent, or funds." So - either they cut the runner up prize because there were only 3 finishing teams, our stuff wasn't good enough for them, or the sponsors pulled out. We don't know which is the true reason, but to ponder it only makes me angrier. And not a passing, surface anger...a deep, resonating booming anger that makes me want to "lash out irrationally," as a wise young child actor once put it.

But on to smaller and less significant things.

Update

Hello!....no one

It's been almost 4 months since I posted the latest brain waste of an article. It seems to me that every time I post something on this blog, it is less about keeping friends updated on my current state of mind, and more about me feeling guilty for something that no one probably cares about in the first place. Which is fine, you know. There's nothing really to check on anyway, so what are you (the lost, confused reader) missing out on? Mmhmm...not a whole lot. But I digress...

Today is December 27, 2009 and I am sitting in the basement on my parent's futon in a royal blue Snuggie. It sounds like that would be a very comfortable position to find myself in, and it's true I am quite satisfied with this level of comfort. These past several weeks at school have been brutal. Classes from 5 am to 1 pm every day for 3 and a half weeks has shredded my sleeping schedule and internal clock. The previous three months included more convenient class times but much more difficult class content. In other words, the past four months at Full Sail have been the most difficult and demanding months of my education there so far. So...why is it that I feel much more optimistic and equipped after such a grueling set of classes? It makes perfect sense, really. I feel a little like...like we Full Sail students have been given our first glimpse of how demanding industry life can potentially be. It feels sort of like these classes are an anvil, and we have felt the first few hammer blows. I think for some people, these difficult times break them down entirely (which is not necessarily a bad thing). For those simply dabbling in CG work, these classes will show them they are in far over their head. But for other people, the difficult times make them stand taller, stronger, shine brighter and more confident. After all, if you can weather the most violent part of the storm, you can certainly survive the easier parts. I feel a little like the past four months are a kind of gateway. A threshold on the doorstep to the end of the Full Sail education, if you will. The picture playing in my head, (oddly enough) is from the trailer for "Return of the King" where the Nazgul Black Riders nose dive on the city of Minas Tirith and Hugo Weaving's voice rings clear saying "The end has come." It is here that myself and my fellow students find out what we are really made of, as artists and entertainers. I don't expect things to get easier. Far from it, as a matter of fact. Even after making it through the whole program, I expect the industry will be far less forgiving when it comes to mistakes and learning to adapt. Because, as difficult and demanding as school is, it is our "safe zone." It's okay to make mistakes in school, because we have teachers to guide us to the right way. In the industry, I'm assuming we're expected to already know the right way. And to be quick about it.

I just listened to the Glee cast cover of "Don't Stop Believing," and it is fantastic. I've never been much of a Journey fan, but that song seems to embody the very essence of the phrase "power ballad." Outstanding. If you haven't heard it (shame on you!) go and listen to it now. If you're into it, check out some of their other covers. They did a Queen song that was quite respectable also.

Thanks to my 24-hour layover in Wilmington, NC, I have rediscovered an appreciation for C.S. Lewis' writings. Mere Christianity is a fantastic read, whether you believe it or not. Lewis is an astounding thinker and presents his complicated concepts through the most crystal clear metaphors you can imagine. It has helped to reaffirm my faith and has worked in a way to refresh my spiritual health.

Also, Lost is my favorite drama/adventure/science fiction show ever. However, the episodes are most enjoyed when watched back to back. Waiting week to week for a new episode is a grueling experience, often resulting in me losing interest and forgetting vitally important story elements. But, if you haven't seen the show I urge you to get ahold of the dvds and make an afternoon of it. It's not for everyone, I've found out, but almost everyone.

Well, friend, I'm glad if you've made it this far into my brain waste and I appreciate your never ending patience with my ramblings. I apologize for the disorientation you are doubtless experiencing thanks to my jumping from topic to topic, but...I'm not sorry enough to go back and make it more cohesive. Good day, and God speed.

The Origins of American Culture

A thought just struck me today as I meandered my way across the ESPN homepage.

American culture is awfully similar in several ways to Ancient Grecian culture.

Think about it: how much pressure is put onto children at a young age to never settle for less than excellence? Or to never, ever, ever quit no matter how difficult the circumstances, nor the invincibility of your enemy or nor the impossibility of your situation? The primary arenas of competition that spring to mind are academics and athletics, but as an American matures and grows, the same can be said for nearly any area of life (but remain especially applicable to athletics, in particular).

I was reading a blog on...hmm, what was it...either ESPN or Sports Illustrated....no it was the New York Times. Some person at the Times wrote a blog about how the spread offense style of play in college football will never transition fully to the NFL because of one major reason: the spread offense leaves the quarterback particularly open to defensive attack. In the NFL, quarterbacks are arguably the most influential position on the team, as one person is nearly entirely responsible for driving the offense. In the NFL, quarterbacks are often the highest paid position as well. I'm talking tens of millions of dollars for one man, the right man, to lead that offense. And the spread offensive structure of college football leaves that multi-million dollar investment too open to danger for NFL teams to widely accept.

That's all very interesting, isn't it? Of course, the odds are that if you have a pair of ovaries somewhere inside your person, I lost you at "ESPN." But then again, the likelihood that anyone in possession of a pair of ovaries has come within 100 miles of this blog is remote at best, so I'll keep on going like you (my testicle-brandishing reader) are still interested in what I have to say.

The notion of paying one man upwards of $15 million dollars a season because of his ability to help a sports team win games (games that, in the grand scheme of life, mean less than the earth they are played upon) very loudly proclaims a few things about our culture:

1) Americans have a fascination with competition. We love watching two equally skilled, equally talented forces battle to see who will win. We love it so much, that we schedule our lives around watching these events. Some people love it so much, that they devote their lives to understanding it and participating in it. Some people will travel hundreds of miles, dress themselves up in elaborate colorful costumes and spend thousands of dollars to show support for their chosen competitor. Do you know who also had a fascination with competition? The ancient Greeks. They loved it so much that they created a series of competitions, games if you will, to showcase their physical and mental abilities. The biggest difference between the ancient olympic games and the modern games is that the athletes no longer compete in the nude (thankfully).

2) Americans have a fascination with being the best. The notion of settling, of compromising, of being content with less than the best (not your best, THE best) almost makes you feel like a coward or a traitor. And it's not just for love of the game (whatever the game may be) that people compete; you compete to win - to be better than anyone else; to be the focus of attention and to receive the glory due to the victor. Which person/team feels the worst after a competition? The one who came in second place. The one who had the "best" within their reach but lost it when it mattered most. The desire to claim the "best" is what drives people to compete in the game day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year.

American culture can trace its roots back to Ancient Greece in other ways too. Our form of government, while not a true democracy, prides itself on the foundations of democracy - the political system of ancient Athens. Ancient Athenians are also credited with birthing the modern notion of scientific thought. Athenians were the first to attempt to understand and explain the world as it naturally is. Athenians first delved into the ocean of philosophical understanding, of logic and sound thinking. All these qualities (while still premature and incorrect in some regards) are qualities highly valued and rigorously taught in American education systems.

American attitudes toward the military can, in some ways, find its roots in ancient Sparta. Soldiers were trained nearly all their lives for service in the Spartan army. The Spartan military was known for the high quality of each individual soldier, and much thought and care was invested in battle strategy. If ancient Greeks cared enough about athletic competition, where nothing but pride was at stake, how much more do you think military superiority was a concern, where lives, families, culture, land, food, and shelter were at stake? Again, we see how the importance of military might in America echoes the sentiments of Sparta.

One other very important aspect of Spartan society that is mirrored in American society is the social, economic and political equality of women. Women of Sparta could own land, participate in government activities and were considered on equal social standing with Spartan men. Women in America have (very loudly and sometimes obnoxiously I might add) succeeded in obtaining the same equality in society that Spartan women enjoyed in their time.

But what does all this mean? Surely I'm working towards a point after all this rambling.

You might think so. But like I said at the start of things, this was just a thought that crossed my mind while browsing the pages of ESPN.com.

Stream of Consciousness

Time seems to whisk by at an exponentially increasing rate doesn't it? Especially as one grows older, it feels like time slips away and there's no way to slow it down or get a grip on it. I'm not even very "old" speaking subjectively.

I don't suppose there is a point to this entry. I have just finished making the digital "rounds" (catching up on my close friends' latest personal blog entries) and feel the need to record a few sentences myself.

Life continues on for me, much as it has these past 7 months. I don't mean to make it seem like my experiences are dull or without excitement, though. Quite the opposite, in fact. Life barrels onward at a breakneck pace for me, and I sometimes wonder if I'll reach a breaking point before the end. It is often difficult to catch my proverbial breath in such a fast paced community, even when there are no classes to attend. Full Sail burdens its students with so much work, that even days "off" must be spent working on assignments, just to stay on pace. It is surreal, which may or may not be the right word I'm looking for, to go to bed every night asking myself, "What can I do to make my work better?" and to wake up the next morning thinking the same thing. It is not uncommon for me to finish my work on any given day only because it's time to sleep, then to awaken and continue where I left off the night before. In all honesty, I don't mean to complain about my workload because in most cases the extra pressure to excel comes from my own high standards. I won't settle unless my work is excellent, which means I must work very hard to make it excellent. Unlike other, more gifted artists, I don't exude beautiful art. I have to work extraordinarily hard to make my work appealing.

-pause-

I find my mind changes gears rapidly. I 'd rather start a new line of thought than continue on in the previous one.

My brother and I partook of communion this evening at church. I still have the plastic cup that held the grape juice in my pocket, where it has rested since church was dismissed. It was an odd service, I felt. The pastor used a visual aid to help communicate his sermon, an oversized, 6-foot tall Bible, with large paintings on several pages depicting a few select Bible stories from the old testament (David and Goliath, Moses parting the seas, Abraham sacrificing Isaac). I kept thinking, "I wonder how much it cost to have this oversized Bible prop made for the service," and "I wonder if they took into consideration the fact that this prop will probably never be used again," and finally, "I wonder if the congregation realizes that this is what their tithes are being used for - purchasing oversized visual aids that in all likelihood will be put into storage for several years before being tossed out with other oversized props that also haven't been used in years."

I never feel like I conclude my blogs with much grace or style. Most often, I simply stop writing and click "Publish Post" and let that be the end of it. In fact, I see no reason to stop that practice now.

By the way, I highly recommend the HBO miniseries "John Adams." Excellent stuff, it is.