This is going to be difficult.

I'm graduating college for the second time in about 7 hours. I really should be overjoyed with my circumstances. I'm probably the only person in my family history to earn more than one college diploma, I'm graduating with a 3.56 gpa, I'm being honored with the Advanced Achiever award, my demo reel has been shared with some top industry professionals, I've gotten nothing but praise for my art and work ethic....I really couldn't ask for a much better situation as a new graduate from a computer animation school.

So why am I so...worried/upset/restless/pessimistic?

I don't know. I suppose it has something to do with me being the kind of person who does NOT like to dwell on the past, let alone revisit it. And in roughly 10 hours, I will be doing perhaps the most difficult thing, psychologically, for me to do - moving back home. Back to the same basement that I lived in before I decided to enroll at Full Sail. The same basement where my life basically fell apart two years ago. The same basement where I experienced failure after failure, rejection after rejection. The same basement where I decided my life's pursuits up to that point had been a waste of time (my own) and money (my parents) .

It's going to be difficult for me to go back there and keep a positive attitude. Which is critical for me to do, because nobody wants to hire an energy-syphoning pessimist. Which is exactly what I feel like I am right now...when my classmates are excited about graduating, optimistic about the future, the only post-college experience upon which I can draw is one marred with regret, failure, rejection and ultimately abandonment and destruction.

I know that rejection is something everyone has to deal with, and that how you deal with failure says volumes about your character. Which I suppose does not speak very highly of mine, unfortunately. I do not handle rejection well. On the inside, at least. It's relatively easy for me to put on a fake smile and say a dishonest word about staying positive, but on the inside I do not handle rejection well. Which is even more unfortunate considering I know that most of the jobs I apply for will culminate in rejection.

So, to review: I'm returning to the Basement of Past Failures and Regrets, knowing that I'm to expect multiple rejections, and I'm expected to be positive about this? I don't know if I can do that. I don't expect there to be a job/internship offer for me for at least a month or two...and most of the feelers I put out probably won't even elicit a response at all. If, by the time I get to about that 2 month mark, I haven't heard a word from anyone...I cannot bear to think how it will affect my psyche. I'm accustomed to success, though not without the opportunity for improvement. I'm accustomed to praise, though not without criticism. I do not believe I have found success because I'm intrinsically worthy of it, but because I work hard (and smart) to achieve it. The relatively few times I've met with real and ultimate failure, it is very very difficult for me to handle...mostly because I have invested so much in what I do, that to be rejected is not just a reflection on the work but a reflection on me. And that, right there, is a cardinal sin, as well as a paradox of magnificent proportion in the artist's world, as far as I'm concerned - how an artist is supposed to simultaneously pour their very life energy into their work, but not take it personally when that work is rejected. It seems foolish to me to suggest that an artist shouldn't take criticism, rejection or failure personally because as an artist, you cannot help but pour yourself into your creation, and for me it is difficult, perhaps impossible to completely separate the two.

But all this negativity breeds only more negativity. Pessimism gives birth only to hopelessness and despair. All these, qualities I can ill afford to harbor at this time in my life. Additionally, I have much more reason to hope for a bright future this time around, as I have detailed earlier in this entry.

And perhaps I may find a bit more comfort in the words of Mr. Jason Mraz, who wisely points out that "it takes some bad for satisfaction; it takes a night to make it dawn; it takes some cold to know the sun; it takes the one to have the other; it takes a toll to make you care, it takes a hole to see the mountain." Finding my little place and purpose in the world is going to be the sweetest experience of my life up to that point, I have no doubt. I don't know when it will happen nor where it will lead me but I can't wait to find out.

Time For a Real Post

A pretty cool thing happened to me a few weeks ago. The team I entered a cg contest with several months back had a chance to speak with Manny Fragelus, a name I'm sure you won't recognize but a name that means quite a lot to me and the team I was a part of. Manny is a modeling lead at Dreamworks animation in Glendale, CA. He's been there for a couple years, modeling characters and environments for Kung Fu Panda, How to Train Your Dragon and upcoming films. He came to Full Sail to hold a discussion with us lowly students about what to expect from the industry, how to improve our work and what employers like Dreamworks look for in potential employees. It was especially significant for me because Manny critiqued the work our group turned in for the cg contest. Like....he looked at the work I've done. I don't know why I feel like that is such a huge deal to me, but it is. I feel like...to draw a comparison, if I were a quarterback in college football it would be like having Aaron Rogers give me pointers specifically catered to my performance.

Anyway, he didn't spend a whole lot of time speaking to us, the team, but what he did say kind of messed with my head a little bit. He didn't have anything really negative to say about our execution, just with our concept. That messes with my mind. The way I look at things, concept is maybe 10% of the overall workflow. Execution is 90% of the overall workflow. So in my mind, if the concept isn't really outstanding but the execution is flawless, that's a success. Manny has different ideas. He suggests, in essence, that the concept is more like a foundation. You have to start with the foundation and it must be sound, or everything you build on top of it will come crumbling down. What Manny saw in our work was good execution, but the concept was bland. I can agree with him about that, specifically in reference to our group project. But for Manny, a bland concept equals a failed project overall. It doesn't matter how good our modeling, our texturing, our rigging, our effects, our rendering, our compositing, our audio is...if the original concept isn't unique, it's all worthless. I'm not sure I agree with him, but I do believe that's the attitude of a professional. That's the attitude of a person who has long since mastered the whole execution process, and for whom execution is an almost machine-like process. I think, for professionals, modeling, texturing, animating, rigging, every major step of the computer animation process is like a stop on an assembly line. For professionals, people in one section of the assembly line are interchangeable; so, in essence, the real creativity and unique-ness is found only in the conceptualization part of the process. And when I really think about it, I agree that concepts are what make artists unique. The means of expression (be it in oils, pixels, words, melodies, whatever) is not as important as the message itself. Anyone can pick up a guitar and learn to play it, but no one can coax sound from one the way Hendrix could. Anyone can smear paint across a canvas, but there will always only be one Picasso. The more I think about it, the more I see how Manny is right in what he says about concept being king, but this realization is a daunting one when I truly let it sink in. Ours is a world over saturated with artists. Well...I should say, our culture is saturated with people who want to be artists. But my point is that being unique in world where everyone is trying to be unique is almost an impossible task. Even now, as I try to comprehend that, the best I think I can come up with is just to be exceptional. I've never been one to try and reinvent the wheel. I'm more a person who wants to know how the system works, and I'll find a way to fit into what's already there. But in the professional artist's world, the people who find new ways of doing things are the most valuable.

I do try to remind myself that the kinds of lessons that Manny has learned are lessons that have taken years to understand. He's been a professional for years, developing his skills years ago and perfecting them among the most talented artists in show business. Me and my fellow students are still learning our fundamentals, so it should only be expected that we have lots of room to grow. But on the other hand, is the conceiving of new, unique ideas something anyone can learn? Or is it something that simply exists inside those people destined to be true artists and forces its way out of the artist regardless of formal training or preparation? Should the fact that I'm a student have any impact at all on my ability to come up with new ideas? My knee jerk reaction is to say, "Of course not. Unique ideas can come from anyone at anytime." So if that's true, and if unique ideas are not something I find pouring from my consciousness...does that mean I'm basically screwed? If I don't have that ability know, I'll never have it." Not necessarily. In the computer animation industry, one rarely finds him or herself working on their own concepts anyway.

Anyway, the five or so minutes he took to impart some wisdom had something of a profound impact on my thinking about the CG industry. It certainly has given me some new perspective on personal projects - the primary way I'll be getting my name out there to the industry at large as a new graduate. Very interesting stuff, to me at least.

Sci-Fi Character Model

Upon wracking my brain for ways I can update my blog more often, I concluded that it might be interesting to put up some of my work-in-progress screenshots. I've been modeling a futuristic sort of science-fiction character over the past few weeks and here's how far I've gotten so far. It's taken much much longer than I anticipated at first, partly because I've never modeled armor before, partly because of pesky classes, and partly because the technique I'm using is a time-consuming process. But I like the results, and I'm anxious to finish up. I'm waiting to do the face, hair, hand details till after I finish the armor, only because I feel like I've sculpted a lot of heads lately and I'd like to model an entire character. Anywho, feast your eyes on these screenshots:

I Don't Know What To Call This

I have descended into a pit of potential disaster, in more ways than one it seems.

How's that for an opener? It has a little bit of a hook to it, I think. More than a little vague...although far too generic and cliche I think as well. I can imagine you, the reader, breathing a sigh and thinking "Oh boy. Another melancholy entry about how difficult and unforgiving he thinks his life is when it's really quite a blessed and fortunate life."

Rest easy, this is a lighthearted entry and I am merely being sarcastic.

I recently found myself in possession of a copy of Modern Warfare 2 as well as a one month free subscription to Xbox Live gold. I figured...what the heck? Why not give it a try? It doesn't cost me anything more than what I've already spent on the game itself and the time to become acclimated to the competitive online community.

I've always, always, always been staunchly opposed to online video games in general (with the brief exceptions of Guild Wars and Phantasy Star Online); especially online competitive multiplayer. There are seriously some freaks out there when it comes to being obsessed with these games. Halo 2 comes to mind first when I think of these weirdos; These kids will play whatever game they're hooked on for hours and hours and hours and then, when I hop online for a quick game, I get completely flattened by some korean 12 year old video game prodigy swearing up and down about how lame everyone else in the game is. That's not fun for me. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's competition. I never really feel that competitive fire burn in me against anyone other than my brother, especially when I get my rear end handed to me. When I get beaten that badly in a game, I don't usually get mad. I don't often feel an overwhelming desire to beat this pipsqueak at his own game or rub his face in poo. I think, "This kid has no life and if he wants to be the king of this little virtual world, entirely insignificant in the real world, take it away man. I'm outta here." I'll check out and never play it again. For whatever reason, I've never found that hook in an online multiplayer game that makes me want to come back and kick that cocky kid's haunches.

So why do I keep coming back to Modern Warfare 2?

Well for starters, it's got a leveling system which is reminiscent of an RPG, something I am fond of. It's also ripe with unlockable content to discover as you level up and brimming with "Challenges" for each weapon - goals to accomplish with specific weapons for which you will be rewarded further. Plus (and this is probably the deal sealer for me) just because you play with players who are much more prestigious than yourself doesn't mean you're guaranteed an embarrassing defeat. Yeah, you'll probably lose, but it most often comes down to the choices you make before the combat starts. Which gun are you going to use? Throwing knife or grenade? Silencer or rocket launcher?

Anyway, that's how I feel. Maybe this game just happens to sing a tune pleasing to my ears, when others have been nothing but hollow noise. Maybe I've just been ignorant all these years - a stubborn ostrich with my head buried in the sand. Maybe these features have become standard and I'm just now discovering them. In any case, I think it's fun and I'll continue to play it while my free month's subscription plays out.

I don't know if anyone reading this is aware in the first place, but I entered a CG contest with a team of artists including my brother last month. We considered ourselves to be heavy favorites (we were biased though, of course) but we found out this past week that we did not win. We did not even place in the contest, frustratingly enough. Out of 3 teams that actually finished, we did not even garner a mention, honorable or dishonorable. What's perhaps even more infuriating for us, is that there was to be a runner up prize initially, however the powers that be decided to eliminate that prize due to "lack of entries, talent, or funds." So - either they cut the runner up prize because there were only 3 finishing teams, our stuff wasn't good enough for them, or the sponsors pulled out. We don't know which is the true reason, but to ponder it only makes me angrier. And not a passing, surface anger...a deep, resonating booming anger that makes me want to "lash out irrationally," as a wise young child actor once put it.

But on to smaller and less significant things.